lions

every. single. year.
Every single year when the calendar turns away from February I feel like I just crossed a finish line alongside everyone else in this hemisphere. 
Bruised, battered, and ice swept, and in my case breastless but alive, here we are.  We have arrived, March, we hear you like lions. 

So, first of all I am completely breast cancer free.  There is no sign that the cancer left the breast tissue and I require no further treatment.  After receiving my pathology report I am confident that the decision to get a double mastectomy was the right one. Without boring or scaring anyone, my left breast was "full" of high-risk "pre-cancer" tumors.  My right breast had cancer in it - four times the size of what they originally thought - but also slower growing. 
I suppose I could have opted for a single mastectomy, but if I hadn't removed all the breast tissue I would have just spent the rest of my life waiting for it to come back.  I know myself, I saw how insanely fucking terrified I was for two months, and I had to do whatever it took to get free.  I was so convinced it had spread, I think I heard every horror story of how bad breast cancer can get, and I let my own thoughts create a nightmare I felt trapped inside of. 
So many people have told me what a warrior I am or how I 'kicked cancer's ass', but neither of those things are true.  I know warriors.  I am not one of them.  I was terrified and emotional and I let myself indulge in worst case scenario thinking for months.  I am humbled by seeing the truth of who I am in a crisis.
And kick cancer's ass? Who talks like that?  Someone without cancer, that's who.  I did not kick anything's ass.  It's just dumb, random luck.  I had a non aggressive, slow growing cancer that is well researched, well funded, and that could be removed.  

I see it like this:
I was told, "There's a mouse in your house."

 "Then burn the fucking house down," I answered.

"Ya, but if you do that you'll have no kitchen, no roof, no floors." 

"Right, but also no mouse." 

Over 40K women in the US died of breast cancer in 2024.  I know that I am lucky -not strong - and if you are one of the handful of people I told about this diagnosis then you know I was anything but brave.  Viewing someone as brave must be a lens of hindsight because let me be wicked honest: fear led my decision to get a double mastectomy, not bravery.  
 
And here I am now, on the other side of the scariest fucking shit I have ever gone through, with what feels like Camelback bladders where my boobs used to be, more grateful for life than I ever thought possible. I feel a chorus of angels around me.   It's full of good people who lost this game of Russian roulette due to no fault of their own, no lack of bravery or strength on their part.  I hear them whispering to me, You're the lucky one. Now, go on and shine.  Help someone.  Make the most of your days.

  you changed my life...
 

I needed my brush with cancer to be something, upon reflection, that I was actually grateful for - not just something I survived.  I wondered how that would look and if I would ever be truly grateful (does that mean happy?) that this happened?

Out of sheer terror I asked you to help me.  I need you so badly, and I am beyond grateful to have the greatest friends, students, and community anyone could ever ask for.  Thank you so much for coming together for me and just SHINING your lights at me.  Holy shit, thank you thank you thank you.

*Luciana Witowski skillfully and beautifully subbed 38 classes in 33 days for me. She brought a ray of sunshine through that place like she always does everywhere she goes.  OBVIOUSLY she's going to be on the schedule permanently: Thursday mornings 7am and 9:30 starting on 3/13. 
*The Love Offensive!! The absolutely amazing teachers and our incredible community grew CLOSER and stronger because of this.  I heard constant reports of how well the studio thrived. THANK YOU!! This is the best place ever. Honestly. 
*My best friends!!!!!!!!!!  Kristen, Kate, and I hugged each other in silence for a long time outside Women and Infants Hospital before we walked in for this surgery.  There are a lot of years of friendship in that silent embrace;  a lot of love, a lot of life stages, a lot of loss, but a lot of laughs.  Kendra, Sara, all my Marshfield homies, and so many of my dearest friends made the first couple weeks a 14-day party. There were no less that 10 people at my house at all times and one night my best friend, Ben, hugged me and said, "This is the best post-op party I've ever been to!"  and we laughed as I emptied the drains coming out of my ribcage. 
*My friends, Ann and Clinton, took care of my pups for 16 days while I had my drains in.  They also bought me a recliner that basically ejects a person into a full upright position which was very useful and also hilarious.  
*Nina came over to wash my hair every three days, Neil shoveled my driveway.  Marissa changed the cold plunge, scrubbed the studio clean, and started the GoFundMe with Ann.  Doug and Kara stocked the soda waters.  So many of you helped clean the studio. My friend and yoga student, Juan, was my anesthesiologist(!!!!) So many best friends just came over to hang out and to help me.   So many of you brought so. much. delicious. food.  Thank you!
*It was the friend Love Fest that I absolutely needed and *blatantly asked for * but the GoFundMe campaign, and every one of your donations, are among the things that have completely changed my life.
I'm sure all kinds of people handle a diagnosis in all kinds of ways, but for me it felt existential.  I asked myself:  What else is left? What else do I want to do in this one life?
The #1 thing I want to do that I have not done yet is to have a school where I can empower people to teach yoga, to live their best lives, and to shine their light in a way that is totally authentic to each of them.  I want to have a school - in my case a teacher training - that empowers and ignites everyone who joins it.  With the excess finances (after the medical bills which are rollin' in DEEP right now), and the four weeks of being housebound, I have -along with the incredible leadership of a woman named Amy  - started The Love Offensive Teacher Trainings.  I am writing the curriculum of the 200-hour AND the 300-hour teacher training that I have always dreamed of.   I would not have been able to afford Amy's brilliance, and I surely know that I could never have created anything as good as what we're doing together, without this GoFundMe and every one of your donations.
Every time a new teacher completes these training sessions and steps into their lives as the fullest, brightest, most honest version of themselves please know that you are embedded in their foundation.  We did this together.  We truly are a love offensive. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH, Y'ALL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll see you in there, homies. I'm back TODAY!

Thank you so much, everyone.  We are moving in the right direction.  All of us are. It's not a steady climb and it's not a constant peak pose, but what the fuck, we love who we are when we climb up from the bottom. 
We just keep climbing.  We got this.